Finding deep peace in Tettenhall Church – the building, hymns & liturgy
Our dementia-friendly church network meetings allow us to make connections and share support and encouragement. At a recent meeting for churches across Staffordshire and The Black Country, there were voices of energy and inspiration, sharing the next steps that different churches are taking to keep connections through dementia.
Among these voices, Tracey Williams, who is the Dementia Coordinator at St Chad’s Church Pattingham, mentioned that a reflection had been shared in her church by Alison Colin-Stokes, caring for her mum through advancing dementia. I’m delighted to share Alison’s reflection, talking about a moment of amazement, within the ongoing learning through dementia. Alison took her mum, Norma, now living in residential care in Tettenhall, to the local church, St. Michael & All Angels, Tettenhall.
Alison’s reflection starts with sharing a poem by Owen Darnell, written from personal experience, when his wife of 40 years lived with dementia:
Do Not Ask Me To Remember
Do not ask me to remember,
Don’t try to make me understand,
Let me rest and know you’re with me,
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
I’m confused beyond your concept,
I am sick and sad and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
Do not lose your patience with me,
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I cannot help the way I’m acting,
Can’t be different though I try.
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone,
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me ‘til my life is done.
“This poem is written from the viewpoint of someone who has dementia and so many of the lines in this poem resonate with me profoundly as my mum is now twelve years into her ‘journey’ of living with Alzheimer’s.
"As some of you already understand, an important part of loving a family member throughout their dementia journey means you face a steep learning curve. Although we have all learnt so much about this disease as we have navigated our route as a family, we have so much more to learn. There are still moments when dementia amazes me and this is one such moment I would like to share with you.
"I recently took Mum to St. Michael and All Angels church in Tettenhall as it’s very near to the care home Mum now lives in. Initially, Mum was quite agitated and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get her to go inside, but the moment we walked through the door of the church she smiled. I knew we would be able to stay and as soon as the organist started playing the first hymn and the congregation sang, I could literally see Mum becoming calmer and an ‘inner peace’ seemed to literally ‘fill’ her.
"Although Mum is essentially non-verbal and does not speak using complete words in coherent sentences now, I was amazed when she was able to join in chanting ‘The Creed’ and in many of the other parts of the service. Years and years of hearing those familiar words mean that they are ingrained into her memory and are still very much part of who she is today even though many other aspects of her personality and behaviours now are so different to how she was. It was truly incredible to witness Mum still able to take part in the service and seeing her so ‘at peace’.
"We also see the comfort music brings when visiting mum; we often play and sing her favourite hymns and we can see the positive effect this has on her. Whilst there is no doubting that having a family member with dementia has meant we have faced some incredibly heart-breaking and challenging times as a family, there are still times when there are moments of joy and we treasure those moments. That church visit was one such moment.
"If anyone reading this is facing a similar ‘journey’ themselves (or with a family member) and would like to talk, please do reach out to someone, perhaps someone you trust in your local church. Everyone with dementia (and their families) will go on a different ‘journey’ but sharing experiences and feelings really can help.”
What a profound impact of faith, so deeply ingrained for Norma, continuing to offer comfort and peace, as both she and Alison encountered God’s presence in church that day. Alison holds the treasured memory of that moment of joy, for both her mum and herself – and its value shines out, as she generously shares it on with us.
Our churches are treasures stores – with so many possibilities for heart and soul connections through our church buildings, our organ music and hymns, our prayers and our liturgy. I wonder what experiences you have of seeing these treasures speak “soul to soul”, connecting with people through advancing dementia. If you are willing to share your experiences, please do email them to Sarah Thorpe.
I wonder if there are other ways we can open up the treasures of our buildings, our hymns and music and our prayers and liturgy for more connections, in ways that can allow people to move from agitation to deep inner peace, just as Norma did. Surely the experience that Norma and Alison shared is the gift of peace which the world cannot give, God’s deep peace.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
- There’s more about our Diocese of Lichfield dementia-friendly churches network, with shared resources and experiences here.
- If you’d like to receive our Dementia-Friendly Churches Newsletter, with the dates of the next local network meeting, you can subscribe here – scroll down to the bottom of the page and “Subscribe” to “The Bulletin”, chosing “Dementia-friendly Churches/Schools” with the Marketing Permissions.
- For help in next steps in becoming a more dementia-friendly church, contact Sarah Thorpe, Dementia-Friendly Church Enabler, Diocese of Lichfield by email or 0798 224 8949.